If there was a gun to your head, what would you regret never having done? This quote has stuck with me weeks after my interview with Carin Rockind, who is a leading expert in positive psychology. It’s a difficult question and sometimes it’s even harder to answer. Carin went through a lot of difficult things such as letting go of her idea of her “perfect life”, divorcing at 26, taking the leap and leaving her stable and successful job and even getting robbed at gunpoint to get to a place where she could answer that question of herself.
Happiness and fulfillment can feel like an elusive ideal that feels within your grasp at some moments and then all at once seems impossible again. Carin shared that she soon began to realize that all of these things that were supposed to make her happy weren’t and that she needed to make a change.
One thing that Carin said in this interview that really stuck with me is the absence of illness does not mean wellness. Just because you don’t have clinical depression doesn’t mean that you’re thriving. However, there is a way to improve your well being and start living a more purpose-driven life. Not only is Carin so generous with her story and her struggles in this interview, but she also is a living, breathing example of how someone can come back from their lowest point, to not only thrive but also share and spread so much joy and knowledge with others.
I felt like this was the perfect episode to share as we all come back from the holidays and start a new year. This is a new beginning, a new start and a new chance for you to choose happiness and choose to thrive instead of just existing. I know this interview inspired me to make positive changes in my life and I encourage you to take to heart all the powerful insights and knowledge Carin so generously shared.
The Science of Flourishing:
If you’ve ever felt lost or confused about how to turn around your life or how to simply be a happier and more positive person, then you’re not alone. Whether if things are going great in your life or whether things have taken a downturn, we all want to be happy and feel like we have a purpose. 20 years ago the field of positive psychology was introduced and it has fast become one of the most popular classes at top Universities like Harvard, Yale, and NYU. Believe it or not, there is a scientific way to learn about happiness and purpose. I don’t know about you, but I always feel more confident about something when I can research it and understand it, so this was a breakthrough for me. Of course, everyone processes emotions and events in their life differently, however, with positive psychology, we can start to understand how our own brain works and start making changes based on what can help us improve our wellbeing. Below, Carin shared some of the fascinating science behind this innovative new way of thinking.
Pathways to Well Being:
Positivity:
This doesn’t mean happy all the time, fake smiles and putting up a fake front. It means taking the time to understand how your brain works. As humans, we are actually more predisposed to negativity than positivity. It’s called negativity bias and it comes from a survival mechanism that developed in all of us thousands of years ago. So, it’s important to start to examine when and why our brain starts to flip towards negativity. Or, start to pay attention to why others around us are starting to flip towards negativity. Taking the time to notice these things will start to reveal your triggers and you can focus on flipping those thoughts from negative to positive. An example is, whenever you say to yourself “I can’t” you flip it and ask yourself “How can I?”.
Having an Engaged Life:
This can mean having hobbies that you love so much that you lose track of time while doing them, having work that lights you up and being mindful that you’re taking time to do things you enjoy. It can be so easy to kind of go on autopilot and start coasting through everyday life. I catch myself doing it all the time and I’ll go days without taking a break from work or the computer to just do something for me that I enjoy. Being engaged helps me keep my brain actively focused on those positive things in my life and the negative things start to feel a lot less overwhelming.
Relationships:
Almost every research study out there says relationships are one of the two key things to help you live your happiest life. We all have at least one relationship that you know is probably not healthy. Whether they drain you emotionally, won’t respect boundaries or they put your down, these draining relationships are going to negatively affect you. The key is to start shifting your life in a way that you begin to surround yourself with people who are more in what Carin calls your “soul family”. (They can be related to you or not.) These are people who see you, people who honor you, people who celebrate you, people who believe in your to reach your highest and best potential.
Purpose:
Carin shared that people who live a life full of purpose and feel that they are contributing to something bigger and greater, are the ones with the highest life satisfaction. That means that even on a crappy day (and we all have them) you still know that you’re doing something so powerful and working for something greater.
Achievement:
Do you have ideas that you want to share (or are sharing already) and do you have dreams to go after? Studies show that people who have goals and when those goals are aligned with what’s meaningful to them, then they tend to be a lot happier. Start small by setting a monthly goal. Then think bigger and make a 6-month goal, a 1-year goal, a 5-year goal. This way you’re thinking ahead but it doesn’t feel completely overwhelming. I like to use the S.M.A.R.T. goal method ( Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Timely.)
Vitality:
This is all about taking care of you. That means taking care of your body and treating it like your best friend, eating well, being active, getting enough sleep as well as cultivating your sensuality and sexuality. Carin has combined what she knows from positive psychology with teachings about feminine wisdom. She shares that women come to know that one of our main gifts is our intuition and we should celebrate the special and unique things about us as women as well as celebrate those things in others.
Purpose Girl Podcast 6 part series
Actionable Steps That You can Implement Everyday to Start Living A More Purpose Filled Life:
Due to our genetics, we all have something that is called a set point. It’s different for everyone and can be based on a lot of things such as your parent’s predisposition to depression or your inclination to think negatively or positively. You can be at the top of your range or the bottom of your range and what decides where you are on that scale is your daily individual choices. When it comes down to it, the key to being happy is to choose it. Every single day as often as you can. So genetics absolutely plays a part in how happy you are, but you have the ability to be at the top of your genetic range. So start taking an inventory of your thoughts and your words. How often are you saying “that’s not possible” or “I can’t”? How often are you talking negatively about yourself or other people?
You want to give yourself AT LEAST 3 times as much positivity as your do negativity:
Again, that doesn’t mean faking it. That means actually looking at your day and recognize moments that you genuinely loved and feel grateful for. That can be as simple as “I loved my late this morning” or “I loved my walk with my dog this morning.”
Celebrating something you’ve done that you’re proud of:
As entrepreneurs, we can get caught up in everything we haven’t done but if you focus and celebrate what you have accomplished, you can still work towards those goals but you are also building yourself up for all the amazing things you’ve already accomplished.
Ask yourself what you’re excited about:
What are you looking forward to? What are the things that you desire and are excited to go after? I do this every morning and it seriously changes how I start my day. It doesn’t have to be big but it will shift your entire mindset and how you approach everything you’re doing that day.
Get to know your own strengths:
So many of us focus on what we’re bad at or qualities and talents that we don’t have but want. The truth is, we all have strengths even if you believe you don’t. It’s just a matter of identifying them and celebrating those every single day. One way you can identify those strengths is an awesome survey called the VIA ( Values and Actions Survey of Character Strengths). You can also try Strengths Finder 2.0 (business strengths) or you can simply as your boss, family or friends what they think your strengths are. (Let’s be honest, sometimes other people see our strengths much easier than we see them).
A great example that Carin gave was if you find one of your strengths is generosity, try playing with that generosity in a new way every day. For example, go to Starbucks and pay for the person behind you or pick up some chores around that house that your partner might usually do.
Find your purpose:
Purpose is when you can make a active and unique impact on the world. To start figuring out what that means for you, Carin suggests starting with recognizing how you are already making an impact and then decide how you would like to make an impact. Who’s life is already better because I am in it and how can I continue to do that?
One way Carin suggested to help you figure out your purpose that surprised me is she said to look at what you’re jealous of other women over. If you’re jealous that your friend works in Italy then maybe it’s because you have been dreaming of traveling and working in Italy yourself. That allows you to turn jealousy into inspiration and information to help you follow your own dreams.
Or you can look ahead to your 80th birthday and ask yourself what do you want to say about your life? What do you want people to remember about you? What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?
Recourse List:
Debbie Ford- Dark Side of the Light Chasers
Debbie Ford- The Right Questions
Positive Psychology:
Martin Seligman -Learn Optimism
Shawn Achor- The Happiness Advantage
Get in Touch With Carin:
https://www.instagram.com/carinrockind/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1qt53DRqTYEJebestBehzg?feature=watch
Women’s Global Happiness Day-Eradicating the global women’s depression epidemic specifically by coming together in sisterhood and learning the tools of positive psychology.
